It’s really funny to me how incredibly different a situation can seem when you’re looking back on it than it actually was when you were there. There is that old saying that “hind-sight is 20/20” but I think that’s bullshit. I think it’s just that when you’re looking back on a situation your mind forgets all the things that made it so complicated. When you’re not actually there, you can’t feel what you were feeling then. When you are looking back on something your mind can think rationally instead of being overshadowed by your emotions. The problem with this is you can’t make decisions based solely on rationality. If that were possible life would be so much simpler, but it’s not. I think, if you make decisions based solely on logic you are likely to end up very unhappy.
Lately I have found myself frequently wishing I had never dropped out of college, which is really stupid. I was miserable there, that’s why I left. I was completely miserable every day. But now when I look back on it, it seems like it was so much fun. It seems like it was so exciting. I guess to some extent it was those things, but mostly it was awful. I felt trapped, and lost, and confused, and out-of-place, and worthless, and stupid, and alone, etc, etc. I truly believe that I am better off now than I was in college. I don’t think I ever belonged there in the first place (I never really did think I belonged there. I just thought I belonged with someone who was there, which was very untrue.) But I don’t feel like I’m better off now. I feel like I made a huge mistake by leaving. I had friends there, I always had something to do, I got invited to parties, I had some really interesting classes, I was actually able to meet new people. The thing I miss the most is having friends. I mean I guess they weren’t really my friends, or else my leaving college and living an hour away wouldn’t have stopped them from being my friends, but I thought they were. I mean never mind the fact that I felt like an utter failure and thought about killing myself every other day or so; I had friends.
The other thing form my past that I find myself thinking about a lot is my ex-boyfriend. I don’t think I was ever happy with him, but when I think back on our relationship it seems like we had so much fun together. I remember all the parties we went to, but I can’t seem to recapture how angry I was when he passed out and left me all alone with a whole house full of people I didn’t know. I remember all the times we stayed up all night talking to our friends, but I can’t remember how hurt I felt when he completely ignored me every time we were around them. I remember practically living with him and how nice it was to always have someone there, but I don’t remember why I was always so angry at him or how used I felt when he always expected me to take care of everything. I remember sharing his bed, but I can’t feel the utter exhaustion I felt when he would get drunk and keep me up all night arguing about some random thing even when he knew I had to get up early the next day. I remember how much I used to love going to the midnight movie every week, but I can’t feel the embarrassment I felt when he would yell things out in the theater. I remember how he wasn’t afraid of anything and could always find excitement anywhere, but I can’t feel how incredibly afraid I was for him all the time. I remember how nice it was just to know that I had someone, but I don’t know why I always felt like I didn’t really have anyone just because he never held my hand or put his arm around me.
Even my old jobs always seem like they must have been better than what I’m doing now. I know I hated them. I know I dreaded going to them every day. I know there were some days when I just could not force myself to go. I know I always either felt bored out of my mind or completely overwhelmed. I know it got to the point where there were some customers that, every time I saw them, it would take every ounce of my energy just to stop myself from screaming. I know that I quit because I really felt like I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I know all of those things, but I don’t know why. I think about all the people I worked with and how nice they were and I miss them. I think about some of the customers who were so kind and really interesting and I miss them. I think about the work I did and I wonder why I thought it was so bad. It seems like every time I get a new job I just wish I had my old one back.
I find that no matter what my current situation is, I always miss whatever I had before. I know every change I have made in my life has been because I was very unhappy. But because I can’t feel that past unhappiness to compare it to my current unhappiness, I always feel like I must have been happier then. Even things that I know felt terrible at the time in retrospect seem pleasant, and I can never seem to be able to figure out why I thought they were so bad. No matter how hard I try I can never seem to remember things as they really were. So, I don’t know about other people, but for me hind-sight is not 20/20. For me hind-sight is far more blurry and distorted than the sight of things that are happening now.
vegandryad
