I have heard so many of these lies and excuses from people I know over the years. People say they think it’s great that I don’t eat meat, but they just couldn’t do that, lie. Anyone can do it; it just takes a little bit of dedication. I have heard that they would like to stop eating meat, but they just couldn’t stay healthy on a vegetable based diet, lie. Meat is unhealthy. I don’t know of a single meat-eater who is anywhere near as healthy as I am. They tell me they don’t want to know about the conditions on factories farms because if they knew they couldn’t eat meat anymore and that would just be too hard for them, excuse. This is the one that really makes me mad. To say that you don’t want to know the truth because you know it would force you to do the right thing is just terribly selfish to me. Knowing that finding out the truth will cause you to change your mind is the best reason there is to find out the truth.

I find it extremely upsetting that people lie to themselves like this, but what I find even more upsetting is the way they do this to their children. From the day they are born, parents set their children up to live exactly the same way they do. From day one children are taught to lie to themselves and to justify things that are completely unjustifiable. Food is, of course, the most obvious example of this. Parents say that they are protecting their children by not telling them the truth about what they’re eating, but the truth is they are causing much more damage than they would by just telling them the truth.

I happen to feel that it is detrimental to lie to children about anything. If I have children one day, I have absolutely no intention of leading them to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy although in the long run these lies are probably relatively harmless. But there are some lies that we tell to children that will continue to affect them for their entire lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we should tell our children everything. There is nothing wrong with censoring the more traumatic details of life to avoid upsetting a child, but they have a right to know the truth. You don’t have to take a kid into a delivery room when they ask where babies come from, and you don’t have to take them to a factory farm when they ask where bacon comes from. But you also shouldn’t tell them that babies are brought by storks or that bacon grows on trees.

I truly believe that at least ninety percent of all children would never eat meat if they knew what it really was. Don’t believe me? Here’s a challenge to any parents out there with small children. Try telling you kid that the chicken nuggets they’re eating are made out of those cute, fluffy, yellow birds and see if they still want to eat them. The only reason so many adults eat meat is because they have been trained to since they were children. By the time people realize the truth about what they’re eating it’s already ingrained into them that that’s just the way it is. Basically, parents lie to their children until the children are old enough to lie to themselves. I personally don’t think this is any way to live, and I definitely don’t think it’s any way to raise children.

So do me (and yourself) a favor, okay? If you want to keep eating meat fine, but at least be honest with yourself about why you are doing it. It’s not because there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not because it’s necessary. It’s not because you can’t stop. It’s because it’s convenient. It’s because most other people do it. It’s because your parents told you to.

Lately I have found myself frequently wishing I had never dropped out of college, which is really stupid. I was miserable there, that’s why I left. I was completely miserable every day. But now when I look back on it, it seems like it was so much fun. It seems like it was so exciting. I guess to some extent it was those things, but mostly it was awful. I felt trapped, and lost, and confused, and out-of-place, and worthless, and stupid, and alone, etc, etc. I truly believe that I am better off now than I was in college. I don’t think I ever belonged there in the first place (I never really did think I belonged there. I just thought I belonged with someone who was there, which was very untrue.) But I don’t feel like I’m better off now. I feel like I made a huge mistake by leaving. I had friends there, I always had something to do, I got invited to parties, I had some really interesting classes, I was actually able to meet new people. The thing I miss the most is having friends. I mean I guess they weren’t really my friends, or else my leaving college and living an hour away wouldn’t have stopped them from being my friends, but I thought they were. I mean never mind the fact that I felt like an utter failure and thought about killing myself every other day or so; I had friends.

The other thing form my past that I find myself thinking about a lot is my ex-boyfriend. I don’t think I was ever happy with him, but when I think back on our relationship it seems like we had so much fun together. I remember all the parties we went to, but I can’t seem to recapture how angry I was when he passed out and left me all alone with a whole house full of people I didn’t know. I remember all the times we stayed up all night talking to our friends, but I can’t remember how hurt I felt when he completely ignored me every time we were around them. I remember practically living with him and how nice it was to always have someone there, but I don’t remember why I was always so angry at him or how used I felt when he always expected me to take care of everything. I remember sharing his bed, but I can’t feel the utter exhaustion I felt when he would get drunk and keep me up all night arguing about some random thing even when he knew I had to get up early the next day. I remember how much I used to love going to the midnight movie every week, but I can’t feel the embarrassment I felt when he would yell things out in the theater. I remember how he wasn’t afraid of anything and could always find excitement anywhere, but I can’t feel how incredibly afraid I was for him all the time. I remember how nice it was just to know that I had someone, but I don’t know why I always felt like I didn’t really have anyone just because he never held my hand or put his arm around me.

Even my old jobs always seem like they must have been better than what I’m doing now. I know I hated them. I know I dreaded going to them every day. I know there were some days when I just could not force myself to go. I know I always either felt bored out of my mind or completely overwhelmed. I know it got to the point where there were some customers that, every time I saw them,  it would take every ounce of my energy just to stop myself from screaming. I know that I quit because I really felt like I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I know all of those things, but I don’t know why. I think about all the people I worked with and how nice they were and I miss them. I think about some of the customers who were so kind and really interesting and I miss them. I think about the work I did and I wonder why I thought it was so bad. It seems like every time I get a new job I just wish I had my old one back.

I find that no matter what my current situation is, I always miss whatever I had before. I know every change I have made in my life has been because I was very unhappy. But because I can’t feel that past unhappiness to compare it to my current unhappiness, I always feel like I must have been happier then. Even things that I know felt terrible at the time in retrospect seem pleasant, and I can never seem to be able to figure out why I thought they were so bad. No matter how hard I try I can never seem to remember things as they really were. So, I don’t know about other people, but for me hind-sight is not 20/20. For me hind-sight is far more blurry and distorted than the sight of things that are happening now.

1. DON’T kill people.
2. DON’T kill animals.
3. DON’T kill the planet.
4. DON’T be an asshole.
5. (in any situation not covered by the above commandments) DO whatever you feel is right.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s that simple. I’m sure most people don’t agree, but those are the rules by which I live my life.

So now to what this post is really about, my ideas about spirituality, religion, the meaning of life, blah blah blah. I don’t believe in “God”. I don’t know if there is/are some kind of entity/entities out there, but I am pretty sure that there is no “God” at least not one like the one portrayed in most religions. It just doesn’t make sense to me; there is too much conflicting information. He is all powerful, but he doesn’t stop terrible things from happening in the world. He created us all and loves us all, but will torture us for eternity if we don’t follow all of his rules. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I do however believe that we have souls, or at least something similar to them, (and by “we” I mean all beings, not just humans). I think there is just so much to us, we are all just so different, so complicated, so profound that there has to be more to us than our physical bodies. I have no idea what happens to that other part of us when we die, and I don’t really care, because I believe that our lives are what really matter. I think that what we do with our lives is all that really matters, because no matter what anyone says, no one really knows what happens after we die. Some people think they know, but no one really knows.

Because I believe that our lives are all that matters, I tend to believe that we all have a purpose in life, that we all have something that we are meant to do. I do not believe in fate or destiny, or that everything is predetermined, or that we are meant to do a certain thing because some deity wants us to. I believe that our souls (for lack of a better word) know what we are meant to do. Our souls know what it is we really want, and what is truly important to us, and what we would really be good at. I think our souls try to guide us, try to tell us what it is we should be doing, but that most of us just don’t want to listen or don’t know how to.

I apparently don’t know how. I have always tried to listen to what it is I am supposed to do, but I always seem to misunderstand. I know there is something I am meant to do, some goal I am supposed to accomplish.  I know there is some purpose for me out there somewhere (whether it is actually anything important or not, I don’t know, but I know there has to be something). I feel like I am missing out on what I should be doing. I keep thinking I have figured it out, that I finally know what I should do, but none of my plans ever seem to work out. I always either realize that it’s not something I enjoy doing, or it feels worthless to me, or it conflicts with other things that are important to me, or it’s just not feasible. One way or another, every time I think I’ve found my “calling” it turns out that I have not.

I am going to come back to the idea of fate for a moment. I have always felt sort of conflicted about this idea. I don’t like the idea of fate because to me it seems to make all of life seem pointless. If everything is going to work out the same way no matter what, then why should we ever try to do anything? Why even bother getting out of bed if your life is going to end up the same no matter what you do? At the same time, I always wanted to believe that something would guide me toward what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t want to have to rely entirely on myself to find my true purpose because, while I do believe that some part of me knows what I am supposed to do, the rest of me is always getting in the way. I have this incredible ability to fuck myself over. Somehow I always manage to make exactly the wrong decision at exactly the wrong time, and end up getting exactly the opposite of what I wanted.

A while back, I finally found an idea that I think addresses this issue quite nicely. Of course, the fact that it seems to solve my problem doesn’t make it any more true, but still thinking about it gives me a bit of hope. As stupid as it sounds, this idea came from a Stephen King book. In the Dark Tower series there is the concept of Ka. It seems to be sort of a combination of fate and free will. The idea (or at least what I got from it) is that everyone has a certain path that they are meant to follow, but that doesn’t mean that they have to follow it. Everyone still has the choice of what they want to do with their lives. They can do whatever they want, but if they choose to follow the path they are meant to follow everything will just start to fall into place for them. As long as they are trying to do what they are meant to do, things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I do have reasons for believing this might be true. I have seen this happen for other people, not often but I have seen it. Someone finally realizes what they really want out of life and all of a sudden everything just works out for them. Also, when I look back on my life and really think about how I got to where I am, it’s kind of amazing. There are some defining aspects of my life that I can track all the way to when I was a kid. I can follow the chain of events back to my childhood and say “if this particular event had happened a little differently, a big piece of my life today would not exist”. So it seems like it has to be leading somewhere, doesn’t it? There has to be some reason I went through so much shit just to become the person I am now, doesn’t there? So my question is, what is the next step? What is it that I have to do to cause everything to fall into place, so I can finally do something that will make me feel like my life is worth something?

When I was a child

I dreamed that I’d become an actress.

Now I find that that’s exactly what I am.

Every word I say

to every person everyday

is just a line.

Because how can I tell the truth

when I don’t know the person who

would be telling it.

The person I pretend to be

changes with my company.

I can only be myself when I’m alone.

I can’t believe they don’t see through

all these different masks I use,

but somehow they don’t.

I’m so shocked to hear them say

that I always seem okay

and happy all the time.

Many times I would like to

show them how untrue

that statement really is.

But I know that would be

nothing but trouble for me.

There’d be too much to explain,

like all the lies I told

to keep the secrets that I hold,

and who I really am beneath those lies.

So I will hold my tongue

and just let everyone

believe what they want to.

And I’ll keep up my act

and let everyone think that

I have no problems at all.

I’ll be whoever they expect.

They’ll never have to see the wreck

that’s hiding underneath.

I’ll build a person from the ground

using pieces I have found

in their ideas of me.

My many flaws will never show

and they will never have to know

that I am nothing but smoke.

If your religion makes you better,

more patient and more kind,

if your religion brings you strength,

and stimulates your mind,

then you deserve the peace and happiness

your god has helped you find.

But if it makes you think that you

are better than someone else,

if you think that it gives you the right

to condemn others to hell,

then what good has it really done?

Who benefits from that?

Would the world really be any worse off

if we were to live without

all the prejudice and persecution

brought on by this endless fight

over whose god is the real one,

over who is wrong or right?

I’ve no doubt that faith can be useful

many people it has helped.

It must be nice to count on something

that is stronger than yourself.

Well I don’t know what’s true or not

and I won’t pretend I do

but I don’t need a book to tell me

what I should or shouldn’t do.

I think that deep inside us all

we know what’s wrong and right.

If we could each live by our own hearts

there’d be no more need to fight,

over who is good, and who is bad,

and who gets to make the rules.

If we let everyone be who they are

and let each individual choose

to do what makes them happy

and live a life that’s free from fear.

Why should it bother you anyway?

Why would you even care?

There was a time

I had a feeling I couldn’t stand.

I just wanted all of this to end.

Now I am indifferent.

So I guess that’s better.

Every time I’d see a bridge,

or a ledge,

or anything with a sharp edge,

it would pull me like a magnet.

Now that pull’s not so strong.

I convince myself that I was wrong,

but I admit I’m still drawn

by that power.

I did my best to conceal

all the pain I would feel.

I’d tell myself it wasn’t real,

but I still couldn’t stop it.

Today all that pain

is not quite the same.

I know it still remains

but it’s not near as urgent.

I would always pretend

to my family and friends

that they could depend

on my strength and stability.

And though I still do

at least now it’s a little more true.

Now I think I’ll pull through,

one way or another.

Still I wonder sometimes

is it even right

to have to struggle and fight

just trying to be happy.

But I’ll try anyway

and I guess that’s okay

I will find out someday

if all my effort was worth it.

For now I guess that it is

worth the effort to live.

The best advice I can give

is wait and see if things get better.

We’re sitting in a Starbucks

looking back on days gone by.

When we talk about the past

I always laugh

and want to cry.

You say “It’s been fifteen years, did you know that?”

“since the day that we first met?”

I think back on all the times we’ve had

that I know I’ll not forget.

Fifteen years? Can that be right?

Has it really been that long?

Can it be that after all this time

our connection is still strong?

All the other friends that I have had

have slowly slipped away.

You’re the only person that I know

who still makes me feel okay.

Many times over the years

we have briefly lost contact,

but the moment that we see each other

it all comes rushing back.

We talk as if we’ve never stopped

as if nothing has changed.

I can almost see us as we were back then

we’re still just children, isn’t that strange?

Sometimes I wish we’d never grown up

never learned the things we’v learned.

Like what makes you happy is far less important

than how much money you can earn.

Like life is never like the movies,

things are never perfect in the end.

Like bad things happen to good people

even people who are your friends.

Sometimes I wish we’d never lost

that sweet innocence we had

back before we understood

that the world could be so sad.

But I’m so glad after all this time

that we can still be firends.

Because when I’m with you

it feels alright for me to just pretend

that nothing’s changed

we’re still just the same

and everything will be okay.

I feel I’m always waiting

but for what I do not know.

Just something to tell me what to do,

a sign to show me where to go.

I’m waiting for an epiphany,

a realization, an idea.

I’m waiting for an opportunity

a reason, an event,

anything from anywhere

that will give me the courage to act,

so that finally I can walk away

without ever looking back.

Walk away from everything I know,

this life that’s always been the same,

move toward a life that’s better or worse

just any kind of change.

But I’ve been waiting for so long

I fear it’s all I know.

I don’t think the sign I’m waiting for

is ever going to show.

This waiting has become too much,

I just can’t stand it anymore.

I feel my life closing in around me,

I hear the lock turning in the door.

If I don’t do something quickly

I know that I’ll never get free,

and I will live like so many do,

a life of miserable mediocrity.

I have to act, to change, to move,

to leave it all behind.

I can’t keep waiting anymore.

I have to see if I can find

a way to make a better life

or at least a life that’s new.

I have to live on my own terms,

and see if I can make it through.

I have to make decisions.

I must stop trying to hide.

Even if I fail completely,

at least I can say I tried.

I’ve been standing here

at least a hundred years

and I could stand a hundred more

but now I hear their machines moving

across the forest floor.

They’re coming to destoy this place,

everything I’ve ever known,

to take the lives of all the trees

and the beings who call them home.

Humanity can only see

things from their own point of view.

They see no value in ancient forests.

They’d rather have something new.

They ask that stupid question.

I guess it’s a game they play,

but I truly know the answer.

So believe me when I say,

no matter if they think we’re nothing

that we have no consciousness,

when a tree falls in the forest

the other trees all mourn his death.

I know that soon my end will come.

I know that soon I will be gone

and there will be a mall or parking lot

on the ground I once stood on.

And all the many animals

who’ve llived their whole lives in this place

will have to either flee or die.

That’s the choice they’ll have to make.

And all the plants of every kind

who’ve made this place so grand

will be cut down or bulldozed over

when the humans take this land.

And though they’ll stand in this place every day

they’ll never be aware

of all the beauty that existed,

of all the life that once was here.